Jealousy

This word, this word. Such a powerful emotion that can overtake your goals and desires if you don’t catch it. Jealously can motivate people to do things they regret, it can keep you up at night with worrying and wondering. Jealously effects everyone differently, and can be triggered in a thousand different ways.
About a year and a half ago I was talking to a guy who really taught me what jealousy was. It wasn’t that he was ever jealous, but that his actions forced me to become jealous. We were never anything exclusive but we “hung out” every weekend….and for awhile I believed that it was normal, I assumed we mutually agreed that we had a relationship without a title. After a few months I realized what was up: I was a pawn in his game, a card he could shuffle through. I had to wait my turn in a rotation of girls he would choose between to spend time with each day. I would see the pictures he posted online with them and wonder how he was able to do that to not only me, but all of us. I had thought that what we had was unique but looking at how he acted with these other girls, I began to doubt myself. I began to experience jealousy.
And from there it soared. Even though so much time has passed since then, I still notice it. And do you know what? It’s not my fault. I can’t help worrying about the other girls in someone’s snapchat best friends list. As much as I try I still can’t let go of the fact that I’m not in someone’s profile picture. You liked someone else’s status and still haven’t liked mine? What’s going on? You don’t feel the need to update the world saying that we’re hanging out? Why not? Who don’t you want to know? Are you embarrassed by me? Are you worried that another girl in the rotation will see and become as jealous of me as I am of her? How awful is that. That’s not the way my thought process should go as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed. It’s awful that I feel the need to compare myself to people I don’t even know. It’s horrible that, as much as I want to trust someone, what they say and do online really affects my thoughts on how they view me. Uploading a picture you took with me on a date shouldn’t be the official proof that you liked spending time with me, but for some reason that’s the way I now view it.
Past relationships and influences really have changed me as a person. I can’t help that I’m a worrier or get jealous over the littlest things. But after being dragged along as much as I have been, can you really blame me?

~E

Welcome To My Mind: Falling In Love Scares Me

There are so many things in our world that you can be afraid of. Some of them make sense to everyone, but only a few people understand less common fears. One of my biggest fears, besides getting raped and then murdered (duh), is falling in love. I don’t know if it’s the self sacrifice that comes with loving someone or the emotional trauma that comes when you decide that you shouldn’t be with that person anymore, but I fear the entire process. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me he loved me before, but deep down I don’t think he meant it. I know that in the past I would have claimed to love some people, but I think I continuously confuse falling in love with falling in love with the idea of love.
Being in love sounds scary. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future and can’t prepare your heart for it. You can never tell if you’re giving too much of yourself or not enough at all. Falling in love is just like it sounds….you fall. With the leap you take declaring your love, someone can either reject it and let you shatter on the ground or they can catch you and love you in return.
On a more personal level, I worry so much. About the future, about the past, about things I can’t even change. I worry about it all. One of the things I’ve always worried about is falling in love with the wrong person. What if I take that leap and end up on the ground broken because I’m not caught. What if I am, and the guy I love ends up dropping me in the future? What if I’m the one who drops him?
I worry so much about my future marriage. Almost every married couple I’m close with has been through a divorce, and I don’t want to go through that too. I worry that I’ll bring too much baggage to my husband and feel guilty about it years after we say I do. I fear that loving someone I don’t end up marrying will effect me so much emotionally and that’s why the idea of falling in love scares me. I worry that I secretly won’t approve of my husband if he comes into our marriage after declaring his love for numerous women before me. I know it’s good to have expectations for your future, but sometimes I wonder if mine are too far out there. So welcome to my mind, just a little insight about what keeps me up at night.

~E

What It Feels Like When I’m Ignored

Growing up, I was the listener in my friend group. I was the one everyone turned to for advice and emotional support. I was the one everyone trusted with secrets and the one who knew what everyone else was going through. This gave me a purpose, it helped me feel wanted and needed. However, because I was the listener, I couldn’t ever talk. I didn’t have someone that I could confide in and share details about my own life. I bottled everything up inside and locked myself up. And you know what? That’s so, so unhealthy.
Even though I’m in college now, this still happens. Just last night we had a group of friends gathered in my dorm room. As everyone would share details about their weekend, the group would comment on it and give a little positive or negative feedback about what was said….but when I talked about what I did over the weekend, it would grow silent. No one knew what to say or felt the need to say anything. I feel like sometimes I’m looked at as the one friend who’s still a little too sheltered. That person you don’t want to repeat a perverted joke to because I won’t understand it. I feel like I’m the person people look at and think that I have my morals straight and life put together, and that I don’t need to complain because I have no reason to. But that’s wrong. So, so, so wrong.
I struggle daily. I still deal with my parents’ divorce. I don’t like the school I go to anymore. I may have to drop a class this semester. My boyfriend is an atheist. School is starting to really overwhelm me. I’m learning that I really only have two or three friends. I’m so confused every day. I don’t ever feel like I fit in. I worry about absolutely everything.
I have a lot on my plate, just like everyone else. And when I finally feel like I can open up and complain to someone about it all, I do. I trust them completely. But when they leave in the middle of the conversation we’re having, and don’t reply to my texts for hours, it really makes me doubt myself. I open up, and then I’m shut out. It hurts. I understand that people are busy, but if I’m trusting my thoughts and worries with you, I think you should at least tell me that you care, but you’re busy at the moment and will call me when you can….and then do it. Because if you forget to, it makes it really hard for me to open up again, and just causes me more stress and worry about our relationship. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s an uphill battle you have to work with. But when I look at the big picture, I know I’ll always have at least one person on my side, and guess what? Today’s His momma’s birthday.

Happy Birthday, Blessed Virgin Mary!

~E

The Outside Looking In: Change

Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, the inspiration behind this post came from my boyfriend, Rico! When I asked him what he would write about if he had a blog, he told me he would describe how having a brother isn’t really having a brother anymore. At first, I was confused when he told me this, but after he explained I know I feel the same way with my brother and sister. I just moved away for my second year of college, but both of them just left for their first year. Every time I call or visit home, they aren’t there. I talk to them both occasionally, but they’re typically pretty rushed with their new busy schedules. It’s hard seeing how their lives have changed so much in the few weeks we’ve been separated. I can see how much they have both grown and changed and get to watch as they get involved and blossom into their own persons. I’m so proud of both of them, so blessed that they’re both making good, thoughtful decisions and that they’re both working so hard. But it’s difficult. They’re always been my little brother and little sister – we’ve always been The Three E’s In A Pod (haha, play on names with Elizabeth, Elliott, and Emily). But now, we’re all three separate, individual people. As the oldest, it’s really hard for me to watch them grow up from the outside looking in. I’m so used to being with them all the time that it’s different to watch how they change via social media. Hearing about my brother joining a running team and meeting a girl he would eventually ask out sounds foreign not coming directly from him. Watching my sister step out of her shell and make her faith, future, and life her own mold makes me so proud. Don’t get me wrong, it’s crazy to see the pictures she and her friends upload from football games and parties…she’s growing up. And I’m learning that I have to let her. They can’t both be my baby siblings forever, they have to find out who they are just like I had to.
No matter what the future brings them, I know that they’re both prepared for it. I can’t wait to continue to see how they become even better versions of themselves, and I’ll always love them no matter who they turn out to be!

~E

Receiving The Eucharist

Having someone in your life who almost knows you better than you know yourself can be both a good and a bad thing. When you’re trying to keep a secret, it can be pretty bad. When you think you’ve completely run out of ideas for blog posts, however, having that one person can be so, so good. When I asked Rico what I should blog about last night, he gave me two really good, really deep answers. And I’m going to blog about them both; today and tomorrow.
The first thing he told me I should describe was a little action that changes my day, like my walk from my dorm room to the chapel for mass on Sundays (look at how well he knows me hehehe). Even though that walk makes me really happy, I would rather describe my walk up to the alter during mass to receive the Eucharist. I may or may not have said this before, but I’m a recent convert. I was brought into full communion with the Catholic Church on Easter in 2013. Before this actually happened, I attended a Catholic Mass twice a week for three and a half years because of the high school I happened to go to. Every week I would watch each person walk up and receive the body and blood of Christ, and I wanted so badly to do the same. When I would watch everyone else, I noticed that not everyone appreciated it as much as they should have. They were able to receive Jesus every week, and completely took that for granted. Because I had not gone through the process of really understanding the entire wholeness of mass (aka classes required), I was not allowed to get my first communion yet and to say it as it was, I was jealous. I wanted what they didn’t even seem thankful for.
Now, however, I am completely Catholic. I’ve gone through the classes and have had quite a few….um, eventful communion experiences. But as I walk towards the alter, waiting in line for my turn, I go back to the very first night where I received the Body and Blood. Hearing the hymns, seeing the candles light up the darkened church, listening to the church grow quiet with anticipation as our group walked up together, waiting to finally experience the sacrament. Each and every time since the first that night, I walk towards the alter to receive the Eucharist and I do get emotional. I’m so happy I am finally able to participate fully in mass and always try to remind myself not to take it for granted. I don’t deserve to receive Jesus, but he loves me enough to allow me, and that’s such a beautiful, powerful thing. Walking to mass may make me happy, but walking up in the communion line absolutely fills me with joy.
Please don’t ever take being a Cradle Catholic for granted. Be thankful you grew up with roots strong in the faith. Never forget to see how blessed you are!

Hope you had a great Labor Day weekend!
~E