Growing up, I was the listener in my friend group. I was the one everyone turned to for advice and emotional support. I was the one everyone trusted with secrets and the one who knew what everyone else was going through. This gave me a purpose, it helped me feel wanted and needed. However, because I was the listener, I couldn’t ever talk. I didn’t have someone that I could confide in and share details about my own life. I bottled everything up inside and locked myself up. And you know what? That’s so, so unhealthy.
Even though I’m in college now, this still happens. Just last night we had a group of friends gathered in my dorm room. As everyone would share details about their weekend, the group would comment on it and give a little positive or negative feedback about what was said….but when I talked about what I did over the weekend, it would grow silent. No one knew what to say or felt the need to say anything. I feel like sometimes I’m looked at as the one friend who’s still a little too sheltered. That person you don’t want to repeat a perverted joke to because I won’t understand it. I feel like I’m the person people look at and think that I have my morals straight and life put together, and that I don’t need to complain because I have no reason to. But that’s wrong. So, so, so wrong.
I struggle daily. I still deal with my parents’ divorce. I don’t like the school I go to anymore. I may have to drop a class this semester. My boyfriend is an atheist. School is starting to really overwhelm me. I’m learning that I really only have two or three friends. I’m so confused every day. I don’t ever feel like I fit in. I worry about absolutely everything.
I have a lot on my plate, just like everyone else. And when I finally feel like I can open up and complain to someone about it all, I do. I trust them completely. But when they leave in the middle of the conversation we’re having, and don’t reply to my texts for hours, it really makes me doubt myself. I open up, and then I’m shut out. It hurts. I understand that people are busy, but if I’m trusting my thoughts and worries with you, I think you should at least tell me that you care, but you’re busy at the moment and will call me when you can….and then do it. Because if you forget to, it makes it really hard for me to open up again, and just causes me more stress and worry about our relationship. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s an uphill battle you have to work with. But when I look at the big picture, I know I’ll always have at least one person on my side, and guess what? Today’s His momma’s birthday.
Happy Birthday, Blessed Virgin Mary!