Welcome To My Mind: Falling In Love Scares Me

There are so many things in our world that you can be afraid of. Some of them make sense to everyone, but only a few people understand less common fears. One of my biggest fears, besides getting raped and then murdered (duh), is falling in love. I don’t know if it’s the self sacrifice that comes with loving someone or the emotional trauma that comes when you decide that you shouldn’t be with that person anymore, but I fear the entire process. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me he loved me before, but deep down I don’t think he meant it. I know that in the past I would have claimed to love some people, but I think I continuously confuse falling in love with falling in love with the idea of love.
Being in love sounds scary. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future and can’t prepare your heart for it. You can never tell if you’re giving too much of yourself or not enough at all. Falling in love is just like it sounds….you fall. With the leap you take declaring your love, someone can either reject it and let you shatter on the ground or they can catch you and love you in return.
On a more personal level, I worry so much. About the future, about the past, about things I can’t even change. I worry about it all. One of the things I’ve always worried about is falling in love with the wrong person. What if I take that leap and end up on the ground broken because I’m not caught. What if I am, and the guy I love ends up dropping me in the future? What if I’m the one who drops him?
I worry so much about my future marriage. Almost every married couple I’m close with has been through a divorce, and I don’t want to go through that too. I worry that I’ll bring too much baggage to my husband and feel guilty about it years after we say I do. I fear that loving someone I don’t end up marrying will effect me so much emotionally and that’s why the idea of falling in love scares me. I worry that I secretly won’t approve of my husband if he comes into our marriage after declaring his love for numerous women before me. I know it’s good to have expectations for your future, but sometimes I wonder if mine are too far out there. So welcome to my mind, just a little insight about what keeps me up at night.

~E

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