Jealousy

This word, this word. Such a powerful emotion that can overtake your goals and desires if you don’t catch it. Jealously can motivate people to do things they regret, it can keep you up at night with worrying and wondering. Jealously effects everyone differently, and can be triggered in a thousand different ways.
About a year and a half ago I was talking to a guy who really taught me what jealousy was. It wasn’t that he was ever jealous, but that his actions forced me to become jealous. We were never anything exclusive but we “hung out” every weekend….and for awhile I believed that it was normal, I assumed we mutually agreed that we had a relationship without a title. After a few months I realized what was up: I was a pawn in his game, a card he could shuffle through. I had to wait my turn in a rotation of girls he would choose between to spend time with each day. I would see the pictures he posted online with them and wonder how he was able to do that to not only me, but all of us. I had thought that what we had was unique but looking at how he acted with these other girls, I began to doubt myself. I began to experience jealousy.
And from there it soared. Even though so much time has passed since then, I still notice it. And do you know what? It’s not my fault. I can’t help worrying about the other girls in someone’s snapchat best friends list. As much as I try I still can’t let go of the fact that I’m not in someone’s profile picture. You liked someone else’s status and still haven’t liked mine? What’s going on? You don’t feel the need to update the world saying that we’re hanging out? Why not? Who don’t you want to know? Are you embarrassed by me? Are you worried that another girl in the rotation will see and become as jealous of me as I am of her? How awful is that. That’s not the way my thought process should go as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed. It’s awful that I feel the need to compare myself to people I don’t even know. It’s horrible that, as much as I want to trust someone, what they say and do online really affects my thoughts on how they view me. Uploading a picture you took with me on a date shouldn’t be the official proof that you liked spending time with me, but for some reason that’s the way I now view it.
Past relationships and influences really have changed me as a person. I can’t help that I’m a worrier or get jealous over the littlest things. But after being dragged along as much as I have been, can you really blame me?

~E

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