Falling In Love With Myself

The most common piece of breakup advice I received was to fall in love with myself again. Until today, I never really understood what that meant. I’ve never spent a day with just myself because I never knew how to. Sure, I’ve spent thousands of days alone with my phone and Netflix, but never truly alone with myself. And today, I decided to change that.

My original plan was to take myself back to last May, before summer really began and everything happened. I wanted to make memories just for me. The weather today was perfect: sunny and 65. Back in May, my summer kicked off with Frisbee Golf; so today, I went and bought my own disc. Not really knowing anything about the different choices I had, how to play the game, or really remembering how to make my arm throw in a straight line, I headed for the park. Alone. I hated doing things alone.

But throwing to one basket turned into throwing to six baskets which turned into two entire games. And guess what? I had a blast. Yes, I was awful and threw my disc into the woods a couple of times, but I got better. I smiled and laughed and really enjoyed hanging out with just myself. No music, no phone, no pictures, no distractions. Just learning to love being the person I am without expecting anyone else to do the same.

And it was a great feeling. I ended the day with a run and even received a phone call inviting me to a job interview tomorrow. Even though the past few weeks have been a struggle, I’m so glad that my perspective on things is beginning to change, especially the way I view myself.

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.
~E

The acceptance phase is here…

I love this.

Until I Get Over You

My least favorite time of the day is now the morning. The crushing heartache doesn’t come at night anymore, but instead is there to greet me as my eyes flutter open. I remember over and over that he is really gone, that he doesn’t want to fight for me anymore. Then, I plaster a brave smile on my face and function, because there is no other choice. I’m not telling him I’m sad anymore either – I’ve relieved him of his duty of carrying both of our pain.

I’ve found a room in the hospital in the last two days – it’s a spiritual room lined with chairs, and is always empty. I find myself sitting there at lunchtimes, head in my hands, trying to stop the tears from coming. I’ve talked to myself? God? the universe? whoever could hear me, and asked for wisdom to accept the fact we were always…

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The Person You’re Making Me Become

I hate the person you’re making me become.

The girl who can’t sleep through the night because the thoughts of you haunt her. The girl who hangs on to the false hope that things are going to work out between the two of you. The girl who changes moods every other minute depending on how she thinks you’re feeling. She can’t function. She can’t focus. She wants you to give her something, anything, to let her know that this has been just as hard on you as it has on her, but you don’t. You don’t express your emotion and you act as if your entire relationship didn’t matter, didn’t exist. And that’s the hardest part.

I can’t move on because I still can’t get the idea of what could have been out of my head. I know I need to, but I don’t want to give up on us yet. I may hate what you’ve done to me, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.