End of Semester Update: Transferring Regrets?

A few months ago, I transferred from a small, private school two and a half hours away from everything I had known, to a slightly larger state school way closer to home. This decision was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my college career thus far because of the fact that all of a sudden, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I couldn’t give a definite reason for leaving other than the simple fact that I knew I wasn’t as happy as I could be somewhere else. So I did it, I made a big girl, grown up decision and turned my life around in the hopes that it would change for the better. Since then, I’ve gotten a lot of questions, are you truly happier now? Do you ever wish you could go back? Any regrets? And for awhile, I fell for the skepticism people were throwing at me. Was I really happier? As soon as I moved I lost quite a lot of friends and one of the most important people in my life . . . I did sometimes doubt whether I had made a good decision or not.

But let me tell you the truth, because I’ve done a lot of thinking about it: I am so happy now. I make my own choices now and I never regret them. My friend group has proven itself and I know who will really be there to stick through everything with me until the end. I have a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I value in other people as well. I’ve grown so much closer to the people around me and absolutely love waking up in the small town I call home every single morning. Sure, I’ve had my rough days and dreaded moments being on my new campus, but compared to how I was before, I don’t have any regrets. It’s so freeing to be able to make the choice to be happy, and I recommend it to anyone who needs to make that choice as well. You’re never trapped anywhere other than your own state of mind. As soon as you start choosing happiness your entire life will just transform.

So yes, I do have an answer for those who ask me. I love my new school. I love being closer to my family and friends. I love the decisions I’ve made and most of all, I love myself. I love being happy and you should too.

Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

How It Feels To Have Lost My First Love (And Why Nothing Could Have Prepared Me For It)

All so relatable!!

Thought Catalog

Everyone tells you how much it will hurt when you go through your first breakup. You see it in movies, you hear about it from your parents, and you watch your friends go through it. But no amount of sappy movies or stories from other people can prepare you for what it feels like when it’s your turn to experience it first-hand.

My ex and I had first met a couple of times at parties and what not but I had never really noticed him until one night in particular. It was late in May and the weather was just starting to get warmer. A bunch of us had gathered in our friends’ backyard for some drinks. I remember looking at him and wondering where I had seen him before – something about him just caught my eye. I pulled up a chair and we started talking. We just clicked…

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Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.