I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.
But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.
And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.