Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Being Downgraded To A Sexual Object By A Man

To all the ladies out there who have ever bought any type of lingerie . . . Have you ever had a man ring you out and comment on your choices?  Specifically telling you that “Wow, I can just picture you in this right now.”  Any of you get offended?  I know that I sure do.  I get offended hearing about this happening to friends, to family members, to women that I don’t even know.  No, this hasn’t happened to me specifically, but I work in a sporting goods/hunting store, and we sell camouflage lingerie.  Yeah, it’s absolutely hideous and we joke about it, but some people are really into it.  When we sell any of it, everyone always notices.  But it’s typically that someone just bought it, not anything about the actual woman who purchased it.  But imagine my surprise and absolute disgust when, after ringing out the first woman who bought a matching bra and undies set, my male coworker turned to me to comment on it.  Let me tell you something first, this is the same coworker who asked me for pictures a few months ago so I already don’t think very highly of him.  After the woman left he turned and looked at me and said: “Man, that entire time I could not stop picturing her in that.”  Excuse me? What was that?

Am I the only one who finds this absolutely downgrading? Women are SO MUCH MORE than boobs and a butt!  We are created and designed for so much more than just a sexual objects or eye candy for men!  What’s worse? This was a few weeks ago . . . and tonight it was MY boyfriend who sold a set.  Of course he thought it would be necessary to tell me because we joke about how many we sell, but just the way he told me hits the same nerve that was hit before.  “I wanted to remind her that it’s common courtesy to dress for the body you have, not for the kind you want….” Excuse me? Again? I thought better than you! You should NEVER judge a woman on her body, especially if you don’t know her story.  Maybe she was buying new lingerie to inspire and motivate herself to make it become her size eventually, but that’s absolutely none of your business.  And you know what? You shouldn’t be looking her up and down judging her body anyways.  Oh wait, my bad, you’re just “being a dude, sorry.”  Yeah, me too. I’m sorry I thought you could control yourself better than you obviously can.

Maybe it hits more home with me than it should because I just assumed that Rico didn’t look other women up and down everyday judging and imagining what their bodies look like.  Yes, I’m a virgin and he’s not.  Maybe that makes my worries MY fault and MY problems, but it shouldn’t.  I should be able to trust and confide in him and know that he respects and treasures me.  I hate the idea of being compared to his imaginations and past relationships, and that’s such an awful feeling.  Maybe he can’t help his initial thoughts because he is a guy, but he should at least be trying to stop himself.  Not only do myself and the women around him deserve more, but he does as well.  The entire thing just makes me so disappointed.

It’s okay to appreciate a woman’s beauty, but that appreciation should be limited to how beautiful God created her to be, not letting that appreciation seep deep into the imagination.

That’s all, rant over.

~E

Just A Kiss Goodnight…..

“But I just don’t want to leave yet….” I felt the words escape my mouth before I could really think about meaning them. No, I didn’t want to leave yet…but at the same time, I had high hopes of what would come right before we parted ways. We got out of the back of my car and gathered the empty Ben & Jerry’s Half and Half ice cream containers that had been full three hours earlier. I turned to him and smiled as he wrapped me in one of his famous, giant bear hugs. 
“I don’t want to leave either, but I have an exam in six hours and you have to get home to your sister,” he told me. I knew he was right, but tonight was so perfect. Again. I never knew sitting in an empty parking lot for three hours could be such a fun date, but with him it somehow was. Rico continued to hug me as we slowly started to sway back and forth. “Look at that, now we’re dancing…” he whispered in my ear.
I giggled, “But you hate dancing!”
“I do. But right now I’m dancing with you.” He was so charming, this moment was so perfect.
Knowing that I had to go, I pulled away and looked at him. “Thanks again for just sitting here with me, I had fun. I’m going to miss you.”
He smiled back at me, “I’m going to miss you more, you know.”
Blushing, I looked down. He kissed the top of my head and I looked back up into his gorgeous blue eyes. “I think you just missed?” I half asked and half told him before he interrupted me with a kiss. Not a full on movie scene, but not just a peck. Somewhere in between with just a pinch of perfection. Aka, the best first kiss I’ve ever had. When he pulled away, I smiled at him.
“So. Remind me again, how ticklish are you?” He asked seconds before attacking me. I screamed and giggled and not so sternly scolded him before running to my car. I smiled at him through the window as I watched him get into his own and we both pulled out of the parking lot before turning our separate ways. I couldn’t stop smiling for my entire ride home, just marveling at the perfection that made up my night.
Five days before I was standing in Rico’s driveway when he asked me out in, again, the most perfect way. “So, I was thinking….I really want to be able to take my girlfriend to this Toby Keith concert coming up . . . what do you say?” He asked.
“Is this you asking me to be your girlfriend? Well finally! Of course!” I replied before receiving one of the longest hugs I’ve ever had. When he pulled away that night, I looked at him and told him he wasn’t allowed to kiss me yet. When we had had date after date since then (all ending without a kiss) I started to regret saying that. But laying in bed right now, I can say God made it all work out flawlessly. As they say, the best kiss is exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it ever even reaches the lips……

~E

When A Guy Asks For A Picture.

I haven’t really gotten any attention from any guy at all this summer, but for some reason the other day three different guys asked me to hang out, and it was actually kind of strange. I went to high school with one of them, Rico was another (and I actually hung out with him twice yesterday, but that’s a story for later!!) and we’ll call the last guy Cole.  Rico and I work with Cole, and when I was going through my Facebook messages a few nights ago I saw that he’s messaged me four or five times the past few weeks and I had no idea. I decided that why not, I should message him back. So I did. After I did I guess I wasn’t replying fast enough because he decided it would be easier for me to just text him so I got his number. He immediately asked me to hang out with him and he was throwing out the compliments (FYI, for those of you who don’t know, that’s a sign that you’ve got a classic ass on your hands, excuse my language.) I tried with the one word answers and the not replying, but it wasn’t working. After he continued to text me without a reply, I got a message from him: “Send me a picture?(: ” Ummmm excuse me? Do you even know who you’re talking to? I’m a girl who will look at that and read something along the lines of “I really don’t want to get to know you, I just want to talk to you because you’ll send me pictures of your naked body.” Let me also reiterate the fact that he never talks to me in person at work.  He’ll come up to a group of my friends and talk to every one of them except for me. I’m really sorry that I don’t wear makeup or do my hair for when I’m on the clock, but you see that I do in pictures on Facebook and decide that I’m actually pretty enough for you when I try? After I completely went off on him for not respecting not only me, but every woman he encounters everyday, he tried changing his mind and telling me it was just for my contact info in his phone. Yeah, I’m really not stupid, I promise. If he wanted a picture of my face, he could have chosen one of my many profile pictures he went through and “liked” on Facebook. Please. I really have no respect for guys like this. I hate it when a man thinks he is entitled to a picture of a woman because he asks. If a man really wants to get to know you, he should prove it. He should try to find out what you like to do, what you believe in. Even something as simple as asking what your favorite color is.  It absolutely kills me to watch girls fall for games that guys play, to settle for something less than they deserve. I don’t have a problem telling a guy when he’s absolutely screwed up, so this isn’t that bad for me, but it really, really hurts when I watch my friends go through this.  I just don’t tolerate it anymore. I wish everyone else wouldn’t either.

Rant over, thank you 🙂

~E

The Update!

Ahhh it’s been awhile.  Lately I’ve been sort of debating how much of my personal life I want to share on my blog. I enjoy sharing stories about what happens everyday with the people I interact with, but I know that some of my friends who read my blog have really hurt me recently and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give them the ability to ruin something for me again with the details I share.  When someone gets involved in my relationships and ruin things for me once, I don’t really want them to know whats going on with me now too, you know? I still feel like I want to update the Rico story though, so I’ve decided that reading about my life on the internet shouldn’t count as me telling them as a friend, because I’ll never make the mistake of trusting them with something like this again.

But anyways, on to life right now. This is my current view.  Nice, right?

Image

 

I’m on week one of my two week vacation right now and as crazy as it sounds, I miss work! Actually, I take that back, I miss the people at work. I love not having to do anything all day except applying sunscreen. I’m having a wonderful time with my crazy family even though one or two of them keep getting to me because of the fact that they’re completely obsessed with themselves. That’s okay though, it’s not really my problem! This week I’m in Myrtle Beach with my dad’s side of the family and next week I’m down to Gulf Shores with my mom’s family and a few friends! I’m so excited because I know I’ll have a little more freedom down there other than watching my 5 year old cousin jump waves and build sand castles. She’s absolutely precious, but after spending all morning with her she’s starting to get to me too 😉

One person who I actually could get some more of is Rico. And guess what! The girlfriend is GONE! Yayyyyyy! I have no idea what happened, but I noticed that he changed his profile picture and she uploaded the “I’m Single! Look How Pretty I Am Without You” Selfie, like all newly single girls do. I checked the relationship status and it’s true! They broke up! While I’ve been on vacation, I have been occasionally having some semi-long conversations via snapchat with him (and not the “hey, whats up? nothing. me too. bye.” kind, but real, genuine conversations like normal people). I’m even his best friend on snapchat, how ’bout that? 😉 I’m still not sure if it’s going to lead to anything, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to go to a Keith Urban concert next month because he’s never been to a concert before! What an honor for me!

Anyways, I’m going to get back to my book now because it’s actually pretty good. The Longest Ride, Nicholas Sparks. It has me written all over it so I’m sure I’ll write a review about it when I’m done!

Have a good week, lovelies! I’ll update you if anything else happens!

~E