The acceptance phase is here…

I love this.

Until I Get Over You

My least favorite time of the day is now the morning. The crushing heartache doesn’t come at night anymore, but instead is there to greet me as my eyes flutter open. I remember over and over that he is really gone, that he doesn’t want to fight for me anymore. Then, I plaster a brave smile on my face and function, because there is no other choice. I’m not telling him I’m sad anymore either – I’ve relieved him of his duty of carrying both of our pain.

I’ve found a room in the hospital in the last two days – it’s a spiritual room lined with chairs, and is always empty. I find myself sitting there at lunchtimes, head in my hands, trying to stop the tears from coming. I’ve talked to myself? God? the universe? whoever could hear me, and asked for wisdom to accept the fact we were always…

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The Person You’re Making Me Become

I hate the person you’re making me become.

The girl who can’t sleep through the night because the thoughts of you haunt her. The girl who hangs on to the false hope that things are going to work out between the two of you. The girl who changes moods every other minute depending on how she thinks you’re feeling. She can’t function. She can’t focus. She wants you to give her something, anything, to let her know that this has been just as hard on you as it has on her, but you don’t. You don’t express your emotion and you act as if your entire relationship didn’t matter, didn’t exist. And that’s the hardest part.

I can’t move on because I still can’t get the idea of what could have been out of my head. I know I need to, but I don’t want to give up on us yet. I may hate what you’ve done to me, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

Being Downgraded To A Sexual Object By A Man

To all the ladies out there who have ever bought any type of lingerie . . . Have you ever had a man ring you out and comment on your choices?  Specifically telling you that “Wow, I can just picture you in this right now.”  Any of you get offended?  I know that I sure do.  I get offended hearing about this happening to friends, to family members, to women that I don’t even know.  No, this hasn’t happened to me specifically, but I work in a sporting goods/hunting store, and we sell camouflage lingerie.  Yeah, it’s absolutely hideous and we joke about it, but some people are really into it.  When we sell any of it, everyone always notices.  But it’s typically that someone just bought it, not anything about the actual woman who purchased it.  But imagine my surprise and absolute disgust when, after ringing out the first woman who bought a matching bra and undies set, my male coworker turned to me to comment on it.  Let me tell you something first, this is the same coworker who asked me for pictures a few months ago so I already don’t think very highly of him.  After the woman left he turned and looked at me and said: “Man, that entire time I could not stop picturing her in that.”  Excuse me? What was that?

Am I the only one who finds this absolutely downgrading? Women are SO MUCH MORE than boobs and a butt!  We are created and designed for so much more than just a sexual objects or eye candy for men!  What’s worse? This was a few weeks ago . . . and tonight it was MY boyfriend who sold a set.  Of course he thought it would be necessary to tell me because we joke about how many we sell, but just the way he told me hits the same nerve that was hit before.  “I wanted to remind her that it’s common courtesy to dress for the body you have, not for the kind you want….” Excuse me? Again? I thought better than you! You should NEVER judge a woman on her body, especially if you don’t know her story.  Maybe she was buying new lingerie to inspire and motivate herself to make it become her size eventually, but that’s absolutely none of your business.  And you know what? You shouldn’t be looking her up and down judging her body anyways.  Oh wait, my bad, you’re just “being a dude, sorry.”  Yeah, me too. I’m sorry I thought you could control yourself better than you obviously can.

Maybe it hits more home with me than it should because I just assumed that Rico didn’t look other women up and down everyday judging and imagining what their bodies look like.  Yes, I’m a virgin and he’s not.  Maybe that makes my worries MY fault and MY problems, but it shouldn’t.  I should be able to trust and confide in him and know that he respects and treasures me.  I hate the idea of being compared to his imaginations and past relationships, and that’s such an awful feeling.  Maybe he can’t help his initial thoughts because he is a guy, but he should at least be trying to stop himself.  Not only do myself and the women around him deserve more, but he does as well.  The entire thing just makes me so disappointed.

It’s okay to appreciate a woman’s beauty, but that appreciation should be limited to how beautiful God created her to be, not letting that appreciation seep deep into the imagination.

That’s all, rant over.

~E

Why I Choose Not To Drink

Newsflash: not everyone drinks in college. As crazy as that sounds, I’m an example. Sure, the idea of letting go and just having assisted fun for the night can sound appealing, but I’m just the type of person who likes to be able to control what comes out of my mouth. No one told me that I shouldn’t drink, but a lot of people have told me that I should; it made me start thinking, so I asked myself a question: why don’t you want to drink alcohol?
After a little (or a lot) of thought, I’ve come up with my answer. I come from a reallllly big family who likes to party. Some of my earliest memories growing up deal with being surrounded by alcohol at these parties. I remember that when I went to my very first wedding, I had just gotten a brand new Vera Bradley bag. I (obviously, that thing was, like, golden at the time) never let it out of my sight. That is, until my lovely uncle came and sat next to me on the bench I was sitting on. He put his filled-to-the-brim cup of beer next to me and reached over to give me a hug. And guess what happened? While he leaned he knocked the entire thing on my less-than-24-hour old bag, and guess what, folks? The discussing smell of beer never came out of that glorious bag. Man, I don’t even remember what pattern it was before it was drenched. But in that moment, I swore it off, telling myself that that would never be me.
On a less humorous and more personal level, I remember the very first time I witnessed someone absolutely gone because of the amount of alcohol they consumed that night. At another family wedding (yeah, big family, big weddings) I remember watching one of my favorite aunts stumble around the room gathering up her things while a group of relatives collected in the corner whispering about what they should do with her. As the responsible mother of the five kids she brought to the wedding alone, they weren’t sure what to do with her and her kids. The next thing I remember is that I was in my mothers arms as she stood next to the driver side window consoling one of my oldest cousins. This was one of her first times behind the wheel, getting pushed into DD for her mother for the night, and she was crying hysterically. As I peered around my mom’s shoulder, I could see my aunt through the back window, sprawled out practically unconscious in the back of their mini van, as four other sets of eyes met mine looking equally terrified. Of course, I was just a kid, my memory probably doesn’t give any justice to what actually happened, but that fact that those bits and pieces are formed together means something to me. I would never want to get to that point, and never want to hurt or scare the people I love like she did that night. I think I may have associated alcohol and not safe together from a young age, and I can’t just take that back now, soooo here I am today.
Sure, why would my past mean that these circumstances always happen? It doesn’t. But once I got to college and was given an opportunity with a choice, I only needed to see a few more alcohol-involved instances to realize that drinking just wasn’t for me, it was dangerous and could hurt people. The girl laying with her head in the toilet as I walked into the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee my freshman year, my RA and paramedics gathered outside the door waiting to take her to the hospital. The stupidest decisions all of my friends make every weekend, the way it’s changed some of the people I’ve been closest to and how it’s made more than one of my friendships fall completely apart. It saddens me to see the effects it’s had on me in my life, and I don’t ever want to worry the people who worry about me, because I really respect when people worry about me, worrying about them. And it’s just a decision I’ve decided to make.

~E

October Means Music

Everyone has their own reasons for looking forward to October rolling around every year. The leaves change, the weather cools, birthdays happen, etc. For me, every other October is basically the best and most emotional month that could ever happen. Why? Two words: Taylor Swift.
Every two years Taylor Swift releases a new album, and because she’s awesome that usually comes with a few single releases leading up to the emotional bomb (yes, so emotional that I do oftentimes cry about it). As basically everyone knows, her first single from this 1989 album was Shake It Off, which as been at the top of the charts until last night around midnight. Taylor’s new release Out Of The Woods was leaked at 11pm instead of midnight, and within the first hour of it being on sale, it was at the top of the charts and iTunes said that it was “sold out.”
So what does that tell you about the song? That it’s FANTASTIC! I sit here and cry my eyes out listening to it. I fell asleep listening to it last night and it’s still on loop this morning. I’d say that if you know what’s good for you, get on iTunes and listen, because it really just sounds like love and happiness and emotional everything.
One plus of the Out Of The Woods adventure last night was being able to be apart of the swifties community. We BLEW UP twitter and I realized that yeah, it’s 100% okay that I cry when it comes to anything Taylor Swift because you know what? All these people get me, and it’s a great group of people, and I love that I’m apart of their community.
I know that some of us aren’t buying the album or any of the singles until you can get the deluxe edition from Target the day it goes on sale (meeee!) so I’m going to post a link where you can listen to Out Of The Woods with surprisingly great quality.

http://www.projectu.tv/taylor-swifts-new-single-out-of-the-woods-is-here/

~E

Why I Want To Get Back Into Running

A few weeks ago, I finally decided to cave in and download the Timehop app. It’s been great-so many good memories over the past four years that I now get to remember every morning! This particular morning I opened Timehop to see that three years ago from today (my junior year of high school, I was 15) I PR’ed (got a new personal record, for those of you who don’t run) at one of my favorite cross country meets. I was in the varsity heat and got tenth overall. My PR? 20 minutes 30 seconds, and a few weeks later I got it even lower. That was my time for a 5k. I guess I didn’t realize it then, but that’s really impressive! I never felt like I was a good enough runner because of the pressure placed on me, but I’ve got to give myself some props, I didn’t know my PR was that fast.
But flash forward three years later, today. Other than being proud of myself, I have some regret. I was only a few seconds away from breaking twenty that season, and I remember that being one of my first goals. I always said that I pushed myself as hard as I could, but looking back now I wish I had had just a little bit more in me. Reminiscing on all of this ended up motivating me to go on a run. And it made me feel awful. I was out for roughly 40 minutes and ran a little less than three and a half miles. I managed to kick a stick with one foot while stabling myself with it in my other ankle (all in the same move). Moments later I ended up rolling that same ankle, and, because I’m not in the mental zone that I was able to live in back then, I let myself stop and walk. Twice.
Yes, I got off my butt and away from Netflix to go on a run today, and that makes me more blessed and motivated than the majority of the people in America. But I really, really want to be back to where I was three years ago. It took so much to get to that point, but I really want to get back to it. I think I’m going to start trying to put in the hard work and dedication that will get me on the right track, because I know that I can do it.
So there’s that. Happy Motivational….Wednesday?
~E

Do You Know How Much You Are Loved?

Yesterday I realized that I probably tell my roommate I love her more times a day than I tell my own mother. Love is a word that’s just thrown around now, but at the same time, it’s just so powerful. Sure, I love Katie and would do anything for her. And yes, I’m going to tell her that even if I’m leaving the room for .4 seconds to go and pee and come back. My point is, we typically let the people who mean the most to us know that they do.
But I have a question: Most people don’t “see” God everyday and don’t always feel like He is there with them in their struggles, so how should we always know that He is? God’s love for us is hard to understand. We’re all taught that He loved us so much that He sent His only son to die for us. Yes, I can spit that back out at you any time of any day, but how well does that transfer over to life outside of mass? Can you just walk outside and smile because you just know God loves you so so so much? Or when the sun hits your face do you take a second to thank God for His love? On sunny days I try to, but over the past few days it’s been raining and storming. How do I know God is there for me during those storms?
Once upon a time someone told me something that really made me realize His love for me . . . do you know the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on the radio? That new one that’s hardly ever played? The dance party you throw for yourself in your car because of it? The happiness it gives you? Yeah, God’s love for you is greater than that. Take that in . . . isn’t it crazy?
Last night I was in tears watching videos of Taylor Swift’s fans meeting her in the 1989 Secret Sessions she’s been hosting. Each fan was hand picked and invited to her house for cookies and a preview the new album. As they entered her house one by one, she knew each one by name even though she’s never actually met any of them. I cried and cried watching these fans because I was just. that. happy. And you want to know what’s insane? What made me cry even more? Knowing that the love I felt for each of those people, a love so strong it came in tears of happiness, the complete love I felt for each of those strangers, was nothing compared to God’s love for me. That’s so crazy. No matter what, God loves you that much. You can turn your back and deny Him, but He’s always waiting to bring you back home, because that’s what love is, forever.
~E