Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

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Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.
~E

The Person You’re Making Me Become

I hate the person you’re making me become.

The girl who can’t sleep through the night because the thoughts of you haunt her. The girl who hangs on to the false hope that things are going to work out between the two of you. The girl who changes moods every other minute depending on how she thinks you’re feeling. She can’t function. She can’t focus. She wants you to give her something, anything, to let her know that this has been just as hard on you as it has on her, but you don’t. You don’t express your emotion and you act as if your entire relationship didn’t matter, didn’t exist. And that’s the hardest part.

I can’t move on because I still can’t get the idea of what could have been out of my head. I know I need to, but I don’t want to give up on us yet. I may hate what you’ve done to me, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

DIY Dalmation Costume

It’s that time of year again! Sweaters, pumpkin carving, and Halloween parties! October is the perfect time for all of us poor college kids to shine because hello, DIY costumes! This year my boyfriend and I decided to go as … Continue reading

Thought I’d Share……

Just scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed a few moments ago I decided to click on an article Project Inspired put on their page today. I couldn’t get through this video without knowing that I really needed to share it.

http://www.projectinspired.com/girl-to-girl-talk-i-will-wait-for-you-spoken-word-future-husband-qualities/

Have a great Wednesday!!
~E

Just A Kiss Goodnight…..

“But I just don’t want to leave yet….” I felt the words escape my mouth before I could really think about meaning them. No, I didn’t want to leave yet…but at the same time, I had high hopes of what would come right before we parted ways. We got out of the back of my car and gathered the empty Ben & Jerry’s Half and Half ice cream containers that had been full three hours earlier. I turned to him and smiled as he wrapped me in one of his famous, giant bear hugs. 
“I don’t want to leave either, but I have an exam in six hours and you have to get home to your sister,” he told me. I knew he was right, but tonight was so perfect. Again. I never knew sitting in an empty parking lot for three hours could be such a fun date, but with him it somehow was. Rico continued to hug me as we slowly started to sway back and forth. “Look at that, now we’re dancing…” he whispered in my ear.
I giggled, “But you hate dancing!”
“I do. But right now I’m dancing with you.” He was so charming, this moment was so perfect.
Knowing that I had to go, I pulled away and looked at him. “Thanks again for just sitting here with me, I had fun. I’m going to miss you.”
He smiled back at me, “I’m going to miss you more, you know.”
Blushing, I looked down. He kissed the top of my head and I looked back up into his gorgeous blue eyes. “I think you just missed?” I half asked and half told him before he interrupted me with a kiss. Not a full on movie scene, but not just a peck. Somewhere in between with just a pinch of perfection. Aka, the best first kiss I’ve ever had. When he pulled away, I smiled at him.
“So. Remind me again, how ticklish are you?” He asked seconds before attacking me. I screamed and giggled and not so sternly scolded him before running to my car. I smiled at him through the window as I watched him get into his own and we both pulled out of the parking lot before turning our separate ways. I couldn’t stop smiling for my entire ride home, just marveling at the perfection that made up my night.
Five days before I was standing in Rico’s driveway when he asked me out in, again, the most perfect way. “So, I was thinking….I really want to be able to take my girlfriend to this Toby Keith concert coming up . . . what do you say?” He asked.
“Is this you asking me to be your girlfriend? Well finally! Of course!” I replied before receiving one of the longest hugs I’ve ever had. When he pulled away that night, I looked at him and told him he wasn’t allowed to kiss me yet. When we had had date after date since then (all ending without a kiss) I started to regret saying that. But laying in bed right now, I can say God made it all work out flawlessly. As they say, the best kiss is exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it ever even reaches the lips……

~E