Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

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Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Rico The Runner

Today was the first of many Sundays I will now have to work because we officially open our store on Friday. Even though I was pretty upset about it, it’s finally almost time to open! Because the countdown has officially begun, it means that we’re actually pretty much done setting up the store  at this point….which means that we have a lot of time to just talk and bond with our coworkers. And that’s exactly what happened today with Rico (I blogged about him a few days ago) and I! The great trio at the store is the two of us and another girl who I probably would not survive without on most days, so we always just find ourselves together when we don’t have anything else to do.  When it’s the three of us we all talk and have a good time but when it’s Rico and I he talks even more and even sings. It’s kind of strange because I started to watch for it and noticed that he doesn’t ever sing around other people. Hmmm. But anyways, today I found out that he lives right down the street from me and he also told me that he had a pool we could come over and use anytime we wanted! How cool is that? We’re also beyond the small talk step of friendship because we actually talk about real life conversation stuff, like whether or not we each wore spikes to compete in in high school, or if we prefer running short distances or long distances better.  We talk about me getting hit by a bike and childhood stories, fears and embarrassing moments and how he may be the only person in the world who is more scared of watching scary movies than I am. Basically, I think we’ve got something great going here.  Yes, he still has the girlfriend, but you can’t really build a true relationship on something that didn’t start out as a friendship anyways, right? I’ll keep you updated!

~E

A Boy From The Past

I’m a really quiet person around people I don’t know.  I don’t like to interrupt them or tell my own stories. I’m someone who listens when other people talk and don’t ever say anything until I’m asked……unless I’m really comfortable around you.  Because of these um.. lovely qualities that come with being shy, sometimes it’s harder for me to make friends.  But ohhh my! Today at work! Imagine my surprise when a guy my age walks in for his first day….and I strike up an actual, real conversation with him! I know! I’m as surprised as you are! We’ll call this guy Rico.  After talking to Rico for a few minutes, I recognized why he looked oh so familiar – Junior High cross country team!  When I was in 7th grade he was in 8th grade, so I’m pretty sure I never spoke one word to him until today, but I’m so glad that I did! It felt really weird, but the need inside of me to reach out and talk to him and completely be myself was overwhelming and I just had to do it.  We surprisingly talked constantly throughout our 8 hour work day, and by God’s great planning He let our schedules magically match up for tomorrow as well.  He’s really cute, funny, polite, and charming.  He has the brightest blue eyes and a contagious smile. We liked to talk about how we both still try to make it out for a run every once and a while and how so much has changed since our paths last crossed.  When we were working with shoes towards the end of the day (we work at a sporting goods store) I noticed that he really enjoyed singing each and any song that happened to come on the radio playing in the store around us.  I thought it was so cute how he was so comfortable with himself that he let himself sing out loud (I guess that’s my shy side again…) but eventually I let myself start to hum along too (oh, but not sing!) Humming isn’t a big deal right? That’s what I thought. But the second I started, those blue eyes looked at me and he smiled right before he said “Sing it, Elizabeth!” Oh my! I laughed. And then we talked about how I don’t ever sing in front of anyone and only hold concerts for one in my car on my way home….but that’s another story.  Doesn’t Rico sound great? Attractive, has manners, athlete, awesome. Only problem? He has a girlfriend. Named Elizabeth. Who happened to date my first boyfriend soon after me as well. Hm… But that’s okay. I know God has the perfect plan for everything in my life, whether it be with meeting my future husband or just showing me that there are more guys out there than my ex.  The only thing I can do now is trust in Him and do the best I can!

So tomorrow Rico and I go in at 1pm instead of 8am. I could either go for a run before work so we would have something to talk about once I get to work or I could sleep in and try to look cute…..Decisions, decisions…..

~E

P.S. Bonus! He smells good too 😉