Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

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Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.
~E

The Person You’re Making Me Become

I hate the person you’re making me become.

The girl who can’t sleep through the night because the thoughts of you haunt her. The girl who hangs on to the false hope that things are going to work out between the two of you. The girl who changes moods every other minute depending on how she thinks you’re feeling. She can’t function. She can’t focus. She wants you to give her something, anything, to let her know that this has been just as hard on you as it has on her, but you don’t. You don’t express your emotion and you act as if your entire relationship didn’t matter, didn’t exist. And that’s the hardest part.

I can’t move on because I still can’t get the idea of what could have been out of my head. I know I need to, but I don’t want to give up on us yet. I may hate what you’ve done to me, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

Long Time No See!

Hello everyone! I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything! So many crazy things have been happening and it’s been getting harder and harder to find time to write about anything, but I decided that I was going to make time today….so here I am!  Since my last post a few things have happened….

1) Single. This happened a little less than a month ago and even though I went through the typical breakup symptoms (anger, confusion, stopping by his house unannounced wait, did I really do that??, the Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Number blocking and stalking) I’m over it and don’t know why I would even want to be in a relationship right now anyways! I really want to only date to marry and I couldn’t imagine crossing paths with my future husband at this point in my life so right now I’m just trying to embrace being me.  God blesses people with periods of being single so that they can use them to find out who they are as a person and what they need when looking for someone else to spend their life with.  Even though I feel as if I know myself and what I want out of life, I thought I knew myself yesterday but somehow always learn something new.  If I don’t know myself completely yet, how is someone else going to get to know the real me at the same time? I know, I don’t know how to answer it either!

2.) Wisdom Teeth!  This happened the morning after item number one happened.  Wisdom teeth are crazy.  I don’t drink or do drugs or any of that crazy stuff so whatever they put me under to get my teeth out hit me hard.  I don’t really remember much of that day other than crying because the friends that I was Facetiming were laughing at me and crying again because I couldn’t feel my mouth so I dumped a glass of water in my lap instead of in my stomach.  But other than that, it’s all pretty fuzzy.  Oh yeah.  Lots of snapchat conversations happened and I don’t really remember them….but I was told I was pretty funny!

3) End of freshman year.  It was crazy. It was stressful. It was quite the experience.  But most of all, it helped me make memories that I will never forget.  From knocking on absolutely everyone’s door to find a can opener the first week of the semester to switching roommates after Christmas break to late night talks about running into Mr. Perfect at a hospital while painting a little girl’s nails for volunteer hours, I have some great memories that I will cherish forever.  I’ll post more about my freshman year in general later, but overall it was fantastic and I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen in any other way!

4) Photography! I don’t know if I’ve written about this before, but besides going into physical therapy after I graduate I really want to go into photography.  I’ve taken a few family photos and have been asked to do some weddings (but of course I said no, that’s such a scary responsibility!) but two weeks ago I took my brother and sister’s senior pictures because they’re graduating this year! I’ll post some shots from their session later because I’m super proud of them……I even went to pick up an 8X10 from Walgreens today and the lady helping me asked me to sign a release form because she thought I was picking them up for a professional/printing them without permission….isn’t that crazy?? Imagine the smile that put on my face!

5) Work!  A few months ago I got a job at an amusement park near my house but after thinking about it I decided I didn’t really want to work there this summer, so I quit (well I didn’t really “quit” if I didn’t actually have my first day, right?)  I ended up getting a job at a sporting goods store that is going to open here in a few weeks, so I get to not only work there, but also help set up the store before it opens.  It’s actually pretty great because I can leave my house to get to work with the same amount of time that I leave from my dorm room to walk across campus to my morning class.  So that’s nice.  These past few days have been the first time we’ve all been in there and it’s so neat! We all build shelves and set up displays and completely transform something that looks like an abandoned hardware store to an actual, nice looking sporting goods store.  I really like it and think I’ll like it even more when we open for business!  I enjoy my co-workers and think we’ll all get along pretty well, and I’m just so excited to be able to get to know them over the next couple of months!

I forgot how much I liked this. I should probably start at it more often again 😉

That’s all, lovelies!

~E