Where Was God?

For those of you who don’t know, I lost one of my very best friends in a motorcycle accident last Friday morning, one week ago exactly.  Even though we hadn’t gotten close until this past summer, Tyler changed my life. … Continue reading

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.

Do You Know How Much You Are Loved?

Yesterday I realized that I probably tell my roommate I love her more times a day than I tell my own mother. Love is a word that’s just thrown around now, but at the same time, it’s just so powerful. Sure, I love Katie and would do anything for her. And yes, I’m going to tell her that even if I’m leaving the room for .4 seconds to go and pee and come back. My point is, we typically let the people who mean the most to us know that they do.
But I have a question: Most people don’t “see” God everyday and don’t always feel like He is there with them in their struggles, so how should we always know that He is? God’s love for us is hard to understand. We’re all taught that He loved us so much that He sent His only son to die for us. Yes, I can spit that back out at you any time of any day, but how well does that transfer over to life outside of mass? Can you just walk outside and smile because you just know God loves you so so so much? Or when the sun hits your face do you take a second to thank God for His love? On sunny days I try to, but over the past few days it’s been raining and storming. How do I know God is there for me during those storms?
Once upon a time someone told me something that really made me realize His love for me . . . do you know the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on the radio? That new one that’s hardly ever played? The dance party you throw for yourself in your car because of it? The happiness it gives you? Yeah, God’s love for you is greater than that. Take that in . . . isn’t it crazy?
Last night I was in tears watching videos of Taylor Swift’s fans meeting her in the 1989 Secret Sessions she’s been hosting. Each fan was hand picked and invited to her house for cookies and a preview the new album. As they entered her house one by one, she knew each one by name even though she’s never actually met any of them. I cried and cried watching these fans because I was just. that. happy. And you want to know what’s insane? What made me cry even more? Knowing that the love I felt for each of those people, a love so strong it came in tears of happiness, the complete love I felt for each of those strangers, was nothing compared to God’s love for me. That’s so crazy. No matter what, God loves you that much. You can turn your back and deny Him, but He’s always waiting to bring you back home, because that’s what love is, forever.

Thought I’d Share……

Just scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed a few moments ago I decided to click on an article Project Inspired put on their page today. I couldn’t get through this video without knowing that I really needed to share it.


Have a great Wednesday!!

Receiving The Eucharist

Having someone in your life who almost knows you better than you know yourself can be both a good and a bad thing. When you’re trying to keep a secret, it can be pretty bad. When you think you’ve completely run out of ideas for blog posts, however, having that one person can be so, so good. When I asked Rico what I should blog about last night, he gave me two really good, really deep answers. And I’m going to blog about them both; today and tomorrow.
The first thing he told me I should describe was a little action that changes my day, like my walk from my dorm room to the chapel for mass on Sundays (look at how well he knows me hehehe). Even though that walk makes me really happy, I would rather describe my walk up to the alter during mass to receive the Eucharist. I may or may not have said this before, but I’m a recent convert. I was brought into full communion with the Catholic Church on Easter in 2013. Before this actually happened, I attended a Catholic Mass twice a week for three and a half years because of the high school I happened to go to. Every week I would watch each person walk up and receive the body and blood of Christ, and I wanted so badly to do the same. When I would watch everyone else, I noticed that not everyone appreciated it as much as they should have. They were able to receive Jesus every week, and completely took that for granted. Because I had not gone through the process of really understanding the entire wholeness of mass (aka classes required), I was not allowed to get my first communion yet and to say it as it was, I was jealous. I wanted what they didn’t even seem thankful for.
Now, however, I am completely Catholic. I’ve gone through the classes and have had quite a few….um, eventful communion experiences. But as I walk towards the alter, waiting in line for my turn, I go back to the very first night where I received the Body and Blood. Hearing the hymns, seeing the candles light up the darkened church, listening to the church grow quiet with anticipation as our group walked up together, waiting to finally experience the sacrament. Each and every time since the first that night, I walk towards the alter to receive the Eucharist and I do get emotional. I’m so happy I am finally able to participate fully in mass and always try to remind myself not to take it for granted. I don’t deserve to receive Jesus, but he loves me enough to allow me, and that’s such a beautiful, powerful thing. Walking to mass may make me happy, but walking up in the communion line absolutely fills me with joy.
Please don’t ever take being a Cradle Catholic for granted. Be thankful you grew up with roots strong in the faith. Never forget to see how blessed you are!

Hope you had a great Labor Day weekend!

The start of it all…..

So I’ve decided that if I’m going to blog about chastity, purity, and dating with a purpose, I feel like I should give the back story on how I came to be so passionate about it.  In my senior year of high school, I took a mandatory Morality class where we studied the Theology of the Body.  Up until that point, I had never really thought about my future relationship with my (future) husband.  It had never crossed my mind that the choices I make in current relationships could eventually cause damage in my marriage.  Now, if I’m being honest, I’m not the type of person who attracts a lot of guys, so I’ve never really had this become a problem, but it does make me think about things and put them into perspective.  This is why I really only want to date with a purpose.  I used to say ‘date to marry,’ but that’s recently changed.  When you date with a purpose, you’re looking towards the future for marriage, but are not absolutely absorbed in the fact that marriage absolutely must happen in the future of the relationship.  I think that sometimes, like in my current case, its okay to be in a relationship with someone you don’t see a future with.  I have a list of qualities that a guy must have for me to even consider dating (I’ll blog about that list later), and my current boyfriend has all but one.  My relationship with him has helped me learn so much, and not just about myself, but also about my relationship with God.  The one quality that he doesn’t have is that he isn’t Catholic, and that bothers me so much more than it probably should.  I knew this when we started dating, but I got involved in the relationship to test how important that one little item on my list really was, and I’ve learned that it’s almost as important as all of the others combined.  Without getting into this relationship, I wouldn’t have learned this and it could have caused soooooo many problems with future dating.  Like one of my biggest fears ever (besides getting raped and murdered, of course) is getting attached to someone I know that I shouldn’t be with.  I have a lot of random thoughts like this and will probably post the majority of them until I feel like I’ve establish a strong foundation about what I believe in regarding relationships, but I hope this first little bit made sense? I mean it did in my mind soooo……