Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

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Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Falling In Love With Myself

The most common piece of breakup advice I received was to fall in love with myself again. Until today, I never really understood what that meant. I’ve never spent a day with just myself because I never knew how to. Sure, I’ve spent thousands of days alone with my phone and Netflix, but never truly alone with myself. And today, I decided to change that.

My original plan was to take myself back to last May, before summer really began and everything happened. I wanted to make memories just for me. The weather today was perfect: sunny and 65. Back in May, my summer kicked off with Frisbee Golf; so today, I went and bought my own disc. Not really knowing anything about the different choices I had, how to play the game, or really remembering how to make my arm throw in a straight line, I headed for the park. Alone. I hated doing things alone.

But throwing to one basket turned into throwing to six baskets which turned into two entire games. And guess what? I had a blast. Yes, I was awful and threw my disc into the woods a couple of times, but I got better. I smiled and laughed and really enjoyed hanging out with just myself. No music, no phone, no pictures, no distractions. Just learning to love being the person I am without expecting anyone else to do the same.

And it was a great feeling. I ended the day with a run and even received a phone call inviting me to a job interview tomorrow. Even though the past few weeks have been a struggle, I’m so glad that my perspective on things is beginning to change, especially the way I view myself.

The Person You’re Making Me Become

I hate the person you’re making me become.

The girl who can’t sleep through the night because the thoughts of you haunt her. The girl who hangs on to the false hope that things are going to work out between the two of you. The girl who changes moods every other minute depending on how she thinks you’re feeling. She can’t function. She can’t focus. She wants you to give her something, anything, to let her know that this has been just as hard on you as it has on her, but you don’t. You don’t express your emotion and you act as if your entire relationship didn’t matter, didn’t exist. And that’s the hardest part.

I can’t move on because I still can’t get the idea of what could have been out of my head. I know I need to, but I don’t want to give up on us yet. I may hate what you’ve done to me, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

The Outside Looking In: Change

Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, the inspiration behind this post came from my boyfriend, Rico! When I asked him what he would write about if he had a blog, he told me he would describe how having a brother isn’t really having a brother anymore. At first, I was confused when he told me this, but after he explained I know I feel the same way with my brother and sister. I just moved away for my second year of college, but both of them just left for their first year. Every time I call or visit home, they aren’t there. I talk to them both occasionally, but they’re typically pretty rushed with their new busy schedules. It’s hard seeing how their lives have changed so much in the few weeks we’ve been separated. I can see how much they have both grown and changed and get to watch as they get involved and blossom into their own persons. I’m so proud of both of them, so blessed that they’re both making good, thoughtful decisions and that they’re both working so hard. But it’s difficult. They’re always been my little brother and little sister – we’ve always been The Three E’s In A Pod (haha, play on names with Elizabeth, Elliott, and Emily). But now, we’re all three separate, individual people. As the oldest, it’s really hard for me to watch them grow up from the outside looking in. I’m so used to being with them all the time that it’s different to watch how they change via social media. Hearing about my brother joining a running team and meeting a girl he would eventually ask out sounds foreign not coming directly from him. Watching my sister step out of her shell and make her faith, future, and life her own mold makes me so proud. Don’t get me wrong, it’s crazy to see the pictures she and her friends upload from football games and parties…she’s growing up. And I’m learning that I have to let her. They can’t both be my baby siblings forever, they have to find out who they are just like I had to.
No matter what the future brings them, I know that they’re both prepared for it. I can’t wait to continue to see how they become even better versions of themselves, and I’ll always love them no matter who they turn out to be!

~E