Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

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Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.
~E

Jealousy

This word, this word. Such a powerful emotion that can overtake your goals and desires if you don’t catch it. Jealously can motivate people to do things they regret, it can keep you up at night with worrying and wondering. Jealously effects everyone differently, and can be triggered in a thousand different ways.
About a year and a half ago I was talking to a guy who really taught me what jealousy was. It wasn’t that he was ever jealous, but that his actions forced me to become jealous. We were never anything exclusive but we “hung out” every weekend….and for awhile I believed that it was normal, I assumed we mutually agreed that we had a relationship without a title. After a few months I realized what was up: I was a pawn in his game, a card he could shuffle through. I had to wait my turn in a rotation of girls he would choose between to spend time with each day. I would see the pictures he posted online with them and wonder how he was able to do that to not only me, but all of us. I had thought that what we had was unique but looking at how he acted with these other girls, I began to doubt myself. I began to experience jealousy.
And from there it soared. Even though so much time has passed since then, I still notice it. And do you know what? It’s not my fault. I can’t help worrying about the other girls in someone’s snapchat best friends list. As much as I try I still can’t let go of the fact that I’m not in someone’s profile picture. You liked someone else’s status and still haven’t liked mine? What’s going on? You don’t feel the need to update the world saying that we’re hanging out? Why not? Who don’t you want to know? Are you embarrassed by me? Are you worried that another girl in the rotation will see and become as jealous of me as I am of her? How awful is that. That’s not the way my thought process should go as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed. It’s awful that I feel the need to compare myself to people I don’t even know. It’s horrible that, as much as I want to trust someone, what they say and do online really affects my thoughts on how they view me. Uploading a picture you took with me on a date shouldn’t be the official proof that you liked spending time with me, but for some reason that’s the way I now view it.
Past relationships and influences really have changed me as a person. I can’t help that I’m a worrier or get jealous over the littlest things. But after being dragged along as much as I have been, can you really blame me?

~E

Welcome To My Mind: Falling In Love Scares Me

There are so many things in our world that you can be afraid of. Some of them make sense to everyone, but only a few people understand less common fears. One of my biggest fears, besides getting raped and then murdered (duh), is falling in love. I don’t know if it’s the self sacrifice that comes with loving someone or the emotional trauma that comes when you decide that you shouldn’t be with that person anymore, but I fear the entire process. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me he loved me before, but deep down I don’t think he meant it. I know that in the past I would have claimed to love some people, but I think I continuously confuse falling in love with falling in love with the idea of love.
Being in love sounds scary. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future and can’t prepare your heart for it. You can never tell if you’re giving too much of yourself or not enough at all. Falling in love is just like it sounds….you fall. With the leap you take declaring your love, someone can either reject it and let you shatter on the ground or they can catch you and love you in return.
On a more personal level, I worry so much. About the future, about the past, about things I can’t even change. I worry about it all. One of the things I’ve always worried about is falling in love with the wrong person. What if I take that leap and end up on the ground broken because I’m not caught. What if I am, and the guy I love ends up dropping me in the future? What if I’m the one who drops him?
I worry so much about my future marriage. Almost every married couple I’m close with has been through a divorce, and I don’t want to go through that too. I worry that I’ll bring too much baggage to my husband and feel guilty about it years after we say I do. I fear that loving someone I don’t end up marrying will effect me so much emotionally and that’s why the idea of falling in love scares me. I worry that I secretly won’t approve of my husband if he comes into our marriage after declaring his love for numerous women before me. I know it’s good to have expectations for your future, but sometimes I wonder if mine are too far out there. So welcome to my mind, just a little insight about what keeps me up at night.

~E

Just A Kiss Goodnight…..

“But I just don’t want to leave yet….” I felt the words escape my mouth before I could really think about meaning them. No, I didn’t want to leave yet…but at the same time, I had high hopes of what would come right before we parted ways. We got out of the back of my car and gathered the empty Ben & Jerry’s Half and Half ice cream containers that had been full three hours earlier. I turned to him and smiled as he wrapped me in one of his famous, giant bear hugs. 
“I don’t want to leave either, but I have an exam in six hours and you have to get home to your sister,” he told me. I knew he was right, but tonight was so perfect. Again. I never knew sitting in an empty parking lot for three hours could be such a fun date, but with him it somehow was. Rico continued to hug me as we slowly started to sway back and forth. “Look at that, now we’re dancing…” he whispered in my ear.
I giggled, “But you hate dancing!”
“I do. But right now I’m dancing with you.” He was so charming, this moment was so perfect.
Knowing that I had to go, I pulled away and looked at him. “Thanks again for just sitting here with me, I had fun. I’m going to miss you.”
He smiled back at me, “I’m going to miss you more, you know.”
Blushing, I looked down. He kissed the top of my head and I looked back up into his gorgeous blue eyes. “I think you just missed?” I half asked and half told him before he interrupted me with a kiss. Not a full on movie scene, but not just a peck. Somewhere in between with just a pinch of perfection. Aka, the best first kiss I’ve ever had. When he pulled away, I smiled at him.
“So. Remind me again, how ticklish are you?” He asked seconds before attacking me. I screamed and giggled and not so sternly scolded him before running to my car. I smiled at him through the window as I watched him get into his own and we both pulled out of the parking lot before turning our separate ways. I couldn’t stop smiling for my entire ride home, just marveling at the perfection that made up my night.
Five days before I was standing in Rico’s driveway when he asked me out in, again, the most perfect way. “So, I was thinking….I really want to be able to take my girlfriend to this Toby Keith concert coming up . . . what do you say?” He asked.
“Is this you asking me to be your girlfriend? Well finally! Of course!” I replied before receiving one of the longest hugs I’ve ever had. When he pulled away that night, I looked at him and told him he wasn’t allowed to kiss me yet. When we had had date after date since then (all ending without a kiss) I started to regret saying that. But laying in bed right now, I can say God made it all work out flawlessly. As they say, the best kiss is exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it ever even reaches the lips……

~E

When A Guy Asks For A Picture.

I haven’t really gotten any attention from any guy at all this summer, but for some reason the other day three different guys asked me to hang out, and it was actually kind of strange. I went to high school with one of them, Rico was another (and I actually hung out with him twice yesterday, but that’s a story for later!!) and we’ll call the last guy Cole.  Rico and I work with Cole, and when I was going through my Facebook messages a few nights ago I saw that he’s messaged me four or five times the past few weeks and I had no idea. I decided that why not, I should message him back. So I did. After I did I guess I wasn’t replying fast enough because he decided it would be easier for me to just text him so I got his number. He immediately asked me to hang out with him and he was throwing out the compliments (FYI, for those of you who don’t know, that’s a sign that you’ve got a classic ass on your hands, excuse my language.) I tried with the one word answers and the not replying, but it wasn’t working. After he continued to text me without a reply, I got a message from him: “Send me a picture?(: ” Ummmm excuse me? Do you even know who you’re talking to? I’m a girl who will look at that and read something along the lines of “I really don’t want to get to know you, I just want to talk to you because you’ll send me pictures of your naked body.” Let me also reiterate the fact that he never talks to me in person at work.  He’ll come up to a group of my friends and talk to every one of them except for me. I’m really sorry that I don’t wear makeup or do my hair for when I’m on the clock, but you see that I do in pictures on Facebook and decide that I’m actually pretty enough for you when I try? After I completely went off on him for not respecting not only me, but every woman he encounters everyday, he tried changing his mind and telling me it was just for my contact info in his phone. Yeah, I’m really not stupid, I promise. If he wanted a picture of my face, he could have chosen one of my many profile pictures he went through and “liked” on Facebook. Please. I really have no respect for guys like this. I hate it when a man thinks he is entitled to a picture of a woman because he asks. If a man really wants to get to know you, he should prove it. He should try to find out what you like to do, what you believe in. Even something as simple as asking what your favorite color is.  It absolutely kills me to watch girls fall for games that guys play, to settle for something less than they deserve. I don’t have a problem telling a guy when he’s absolutely screwed up, so this isn’t that bad for me, but it really, really hurts when I watch my friends go through this.  I just don’t tolerate it anymore. I wish everyone else wouldn’t either.

Rant over, thank you 🙂

~E

The Update!

Ahhh it’s been awhile.  Lately I’ve been sort of debating how much of my personal life I want to share on my blog. I enjoy sharing stories about what happens everyday with the people I interact with, but I know that some of my friends who read my blog have really hurt me recently and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give them the ability to ruin something for me again with the details I share.  When someone gets involved in my relationships and ruin things for me once, I don’t really want them to know whats going on with me now too, you know? I still feel like I want to update the Rico story though, so I’ve decided that reading about my life on the internet shouldn’t count as me telling them as a friend, because I’ll never make the mistake of trusting them with something like this again.

But anyways, on to life right now. This is my current view.  Nice, right?

Image

 

I’m on week one of my two week vacation right now and as crazy as it sounds, I miss work! Actually, I take that back, I miss the people at work. I love not having to do anything all day except applying sunscreen. I’m having a wonderful time with my crazy family even though one or two of them keep getting to me because of the fact that they’re completely obsessed with themselves. That’s okay though, it’s not really my problem! This week I’m in Myrtle Beach with my dad’s side of the family and next week I’m down to Gulf Shores with my mom’s family and a few friends! I’m so excited because I know I’ll have a little more freedom down there other than watching my 5 year old cousin jump waves and build sand castles. She’s absolutely precious, but after spending all morning with her she’s starting to get to me too 😉

One person who I actually could get some more of is Rico. And guess what! The girlfriend is GONE! Yayyyyyy! I have no idea what happened, but I noticed that he changed his profile picture and she uploaded the “I’m Single! Look How Pretty I Am Without You” Selfie, like all newly single girls do. I checked the relationship status and it’s true! They broke up! While I’ve been on vacation, I have been occasionally having some semi-long conversations via snapchat with him (and not the “hey, whats up? nothing. me too. bye.” kind, but real, genuine conversations like normal people). I’m even his best friend on snapchat, how ’bout that? 😉 I’m still not sure if it’s going to lead to anything, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to go to a Keith Urban concert next month because he’s never been to a concert before! What an honor for me!

Anyways, I’m going to get back to my book now because it’s actually pretty good. The Longest Ride, Nicholas Sparks. It has me written all over it so I’m sure I’ll write a review about it when I’m done!

Have a good week, lovelies! I’ll update you if anything else happens!

~E