The most common piece of breakup advice I received was to fall in love with myself again. Until today, I never really understood what that meant. I’ve never spent a day with just myself because I never knew how to. Sure, I’ve spent thousands of days alone with my phone and Netflix, but never truly alone with myself. And today, I decided to change that.
My original plan was to take myself back to last May, before summer really began and everything happened. I wanted to make memories just for me. The weather today was perfect: sunny and 65. Back in May, my summer kicked off with Frisbee Golf; so today, I went and bought my own disc. Not really knowing anything about the different choices I had, how to play the game, or really remembering how to make my arm throw in a straight line, I headed for the park. Alone. I hated doing things alone.
But throwing to one basket turned into throwing to six baskets which turned into two entire games. And guess what? I had a blast. Yes, I was awful and threw my disc into the woods a couple of times, but I got better. I smiled and laughed and really enjoyed hanging out with just myself. No music, no phone, no pictures, no distractions. Just learning to love being the person I am without expecting anyone else to do the same.
And it was a great feeling. I ended the day with a run and even received a phone call inviting me to a job interview tomorrow. Even though the past few weeks have been a struggle, I’m so glad that my perspective on things is beginning to change, especially the way I view myself.
Yesterday I realized that I probably tell my roommate I love her more times a day than I tell my own mother. Love is a word that’s just thrown around now, but at the same time, it’s just so powerful. Sure, I love Katie and would do anything for her. And yes, I’m going to tell her that even if I’m leaving the room for .4 seconds to go and pee and come back. My point is, we typically let the people who mean the most to us know that they do.
But I have a question: Most people don’t “see” God everyday and don’t always feel like He is there with them in their struggles, so how should we always know that He is? God’s love for us is hard to understand. We’re all taught that He loved us so much that He sent His only son to die for us. Yes, I can spit that back out at you any time of any day, but how well does that transfer over to life outside of mass? Can you just walk outside and smile because you just know God loves you so so so much? Or when the sun hits your face do you take a second to thank God for His love? On sunny days I try to, but over the past few days it’s been raining and storming. How do I know God is there for me during those storms?
Once upon a time someone told me something that really made me realize His love for me . . . do you know the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on the radio? That new one that’s hardly ever played? The dance party you throw for yourself in your car because of it? The happiness it gives you? Yeah, God’s love for you is greater than that. Take that in . . . isn’t it crazy?
Last night I was in tears watching videos of Taylor Swift’s fans meeting her in the 1989 Secret Sessions she’s been hosting. Each fan was hand picked and invited to her house for cookies and a preview the new album. As they entered her house one by one, she knew each one by name even though she’s never actually met any of them. I cried and cried watching these fans because I was just. that. happy. And you want to know what’s insane? What made me cry even more? Knowing that the love I felt for each of those people, a love so strong it came in tears of happiness, the complete love I felt for each of those strangers, was nothing compared to God’s love for me. That’s so crazy. No matter what, God loves you that much. You can turn your back and deny Him, but He’s always waiting to bring you back home, because that’s what love is, forever.
There are so many things in our world that you can be afraid of. Some of them make sense to everyone, but only a few people understand less common fears. One of my biggest fears, besides getting raped and then murdered (duh), is falling in love. I don’t know if it’s the self sacrifice that comes with loving someone or the emotional trauma that comes when you decide that you shouldn’t be with that person anymore, but I fear the entire process. I’ve had a boyfriend tell me he loved me before, but deep down I don’t think he meant it. I know that in the past I would have claimed to love some people, but I think I continuously confuse falling in love with falling in love with the idea of love.
Being in love sounds scary. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future and can’t prepare your heart for it. You can never tell if you’re giving too much of yourself or not enough at all. Falling in love is just like it sounds….you fall. With the leap you take declaring your love, someone can either reject it and let you shatter on the ground or they can catch you and love you in return.
On a more personal level, I worry so much. About the future, about the past, about things I can’t even change. I worry about it all. One of the things I’ve always worried about is falling in love with the wrong person. What if I take that leap and end up on the ground broken because I’m not caught. What if I am, and the guy I love ends up dropping me in the future? What if I’m the one who drops him?
I worry so much about my future marriage. Almost every married couple I’m close with has been through a divorce, and I don’t want to go through that too. I worry that I’ll bring too much baggage to my husband and feel guilty about it years after we say I do. I fear that loving someone I don’t end up marrying will effect me so much emotionally and that’s why the idea of falling in love scares me. I worry that I secretly won’t approve of my husband if he comes into our marriage after declaring his love for numerous women before me. I know it’s good to have expectations for your future, but sometimes I wonder if mine are too far out there. So welcome to my mind, just a little insight about what keeps me up at night.
I’ve been noticing a trend in my blog posts lately, and you know what that is? Negativity. Yes, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. But guess what? Complaining about that only gets me so far. I can make my … Continue reading →