New YouTube Vlog Channel!

Hello blogging world! I feel like it has been SO long since I’ve updated this, and I want to tell you why! Lately, life has been really good and I’ve wanted to document it in more of an exciting way than just words on a screen-so I’ve started a YouTube channel! Below I’ve posted a link to my most recent video. This summer I took a family vacation to travel around Southern Germany and made vlogs (video blogs) throughout the entire trip.  It’s a great way for me to share my experiences with everyone and a unique way to remember what happened while there. I hope you enjoy watching as much as I enjoyed being there and I promise to keep my actual blogging life up to date when someone monumental happens, but for now, enjoy!

Where Was God?


For those of you who don’t know, I lost one of my very best friends in a motorcycle accident last Friday morning, one week ago exactly.  Even though we hadn’t gotten close until this past summer, Tyler changed my life. … Continue reading

End of Semester Update: Transferring Regrets?

A few months ago, I transferred from a small, private school two and a half hours away from everything I had known, to a slightly larger state school way closer to home. This decision was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my college career thus far because of the fact that all of a sudden, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I couldn’t give a definite reason for leaving other than the simple fact that I knew I wasn’t as happy as I could be somewhere else. So I did it, I made a big girl, grown up decision and turned my life around in the hopes that it would change for the better. Since then, I’ve gotten a lot of questions, are you truly happier now? Do you ever wish you could go back? Any regrets? And for awhile, I fell for the skepticism people were throwing at me. Was I really happier? As soon as I moved I lost quite a lot of friends and one of the most important people in my life . . . I did sometimes doubt whether I had made a good decision or not.

But let me tell you the truth, because I’ve done a lot of thinking about it: I am so happy now. I make my own choices now and I never regret them. My friend group has proven itself and I know who will really be there to stick through everything with me until the end. I have a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I value in other people as well. I’ve grown so much closer to the people around me and absolutely love waking up in the small town I call home every single morning. Sure, I’ve had my rough days and dreaded moments being on my new campus, but compared to how I was before, I don’t have any regrets. It’s so freeing to be able to make the choice to be happy, and I recommend it to anyone who needs to make that choice as well. You’re never trapped anywhere other than your own state of mind. As soon as you start choosing happiness your entire life will just transform.

So yes, I do have an answer for those who ask me. I love my new school. I love being closer to my family and friends. I love the decisions I’ve made and most of all, I love myself. I love being happy and you should too.

Letter To Me: Hey, Self

Dear Elizabeth,

I know you’re strong. But sometimes it’s hard to believe it when you’re looking at your tear stained face in the mirror. It’s so hard to think that you’re not worthless when he continues to find a way to get to you. It’s hard spending so much time with someone and just one day waking up and finding out that they never loved you and they never will. It’s hard to remember that there is good in every relationship. It’s hard to remember that it all has a point. It’s hard to remember that God is looking out for you with absolutely everything you do.
But I promise you that someday, that boy won’t be able to send you home in tears. Someday, hearing that he’s moved on won’t rip you apart inside. Someday, you’ll be able to look back and be so proud of the strong, independent woman you’ve become because of the pain you’ve endured. I know it’s hard, but one day you will find the man who will appreciate everything about you that each boy from the past didn’t. And I promise that one day, you will be so, so happy.

Love, me.

Who To Run To When Cancer Hits Home

I found out a few days ago that my dad’s cancer came back. And you’re the only person I’ve wanted to tell. I know that somehow, looking into your eyes and saying that dreaded, six letter word would stir a reaction in you that would make my world seem somewhat okay again. You know exactly how to meet me in the middle and make me understand things that I can’t on my own. You’re patient and understanding with my emotions and that’s probably why I still love you. I know that you would ask questions about it and get me to talk instead of just mumbling the short and sweet “I’m sorry” response. And just being in that moment with you would make me feel whole inside again.

But even though I know I can go to you to talk about it, you can’t be that person for me anymore. You can’t be my Prince Charming or hero. You have to go back and fulfill the roll of my ex-boyfriend that you wanted to earn. Do I really want that to happen? Not at all, you bring me happiness no matter what role you hold in my life. But do I really mean that? Yes. We can’t keep going on like we’re actually friends and everything is actually okay. You answering every time I reach out and you reaching out on the nights I don’t…that can’t happen. Getting lunch every week and visiting each other at work isn’t normal for couples who broke up. I understand that after all this time, you can 100% say that you do only view me as a friend. But I can’t say that, and the in-between relationship we have right now only confuses me more. It takes me back to the months before we ever started dating, whenever we would hang out you called them dates and I didn’t think so. I think that’s what gets me the most, what hurts me the most, what keeps me up at night and makes me hold on to the last thread of hope.

And that’s why we can’t even try to be friends anymore. You can’t be my person.

How It Feels To Have Lost My First Love (And Why Nothing Could Have Prepared Me For It)

All so relatable!!

Thought Catalog

Everyone tells you how much it will hurt when you go through your first breakup. You see it in movies, you hear about it from your parents, and you watch your friends go through it. But no amount of sappy movies or stories from other people can prepare you for what it feels like when it’s your turn to experience it first-hand.

My ex and I had first met a couple of times at parties and what not but I had never really noticed him until one night in particular. It was late in May and the weather was just starting to get warmer. A bunch of us had gathered in our friends’ backyard for some drinks. I remember looking at him and wondering where I had seen him before – something about him just caught my eye. I pulled up a chair and we started talking. We just clicked…

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Same Game, Same Place, Two Months Later

Games, Luke Bryan.

How accurate is that song, on point with my life right now.

And I’m not sure if I can do it anymore.

Tonight I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m shutting people out of my life and feel like I’m so focused on fixing what I had with you that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore because I know how much they all disapprove of you now.

And I know, I am stupid. I’m trying way too hard trying to prove myself to you so that you can see what you’re missing out on, but you aren’t even pretending to help me get over you.

So here I am, two months exactly from our breakup and still crying.

And that makes me feel pitiful about myself.

But I know that it’s not only my fault. Before we started dating last summer, we would hang out as just friends, three or four times a week. I always said that we were just hanging out and those weren’t dates but you always tried to convince me that they were….flash forward ten months and we’re right back in that crazy confusing in-between stage of self doubt and insecurity. Why do you still walk me to my car after we get off work and find a way to create a new chain of conversation until the parking lot is empty? Why do you still ask me to go “get food” and go to the movies with you? Yeah sure, two people who are just friends could do that, but you know exactly how I feel and how confused I get. And you know I’ll let it continue because I don’t want to loose you completely.

I feel like, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’m not good enough to be your girlfriend anymore. I was never good enough to meet your family or deserve your love. But for some stupid reason, I’m suddenly good enough to drag along as a half-hearted friend who you know will always be there for you, no matter what.

And that’s what destroys me inside.

I need to be able to move on, but I’ll never be able to do that if you keep giving me this false hope.

And as true as I know that is, I still haven’t come to the reality of accepting it.

Falling In Love With Myself

The most common piece of breakup advice I received was to fall in love with myself again. Until today, I never really understood what that meant. I’ve never spent a day with just myself because I never knew how to. Sure, I’ve spent thousands of days alone with my phone and Netflix, but never truly alone with myself. And today, I decided to change that.

My original plan was to take myself back to last May, before summer really began and everything happened. I wanted to make memories just for me. The weather today was perfect: sunny and 65. Back in May, my summer kicked off with Frisbee Golf; so today, I went and bought my own disc. Not really knowing anything about the different choices I had, how to play the game, or really remembering how to make my arm throw in a straight line, I headed for the park. Alone. I hated doing things alone.

But throwing to one basket turned into throwing to six baskets which turned into two entire games. And guess what? I had a blast. Yes, I was awful and threw my disc into the woods a couple of times, but I got better. I smiled and laughed and really enjoyed hanging out with just myself. No music, no phone, no pictures, no distractions. Just learning to love being the person I am without expecting anyone else to do the same.

And it was a great feeling. I ended the day with a run and even received a phone call inviting me to a job interview tomorrow. Even though the past few weeks have been a struggle, I’m so glad that my perspective on things is beginning to change, especially the way I view myself.

Internal Struggle: What It Was Like Dating An Atheist

{I wrote this post in late August/early September last year, we aren’t dating anymore, but I wanted to share what I felt at the time. I should have known then this would be the reason things changed.}

He looked over and told me the three words that completely changed me: “I’m an atheist.” My world went into slow motion as I tried to comprehend what I just heard. God is the most important person, concept, believe, everything in my life; how was I supposed to accept the fact that one of the people I’m closest to doesn’t even believe that He exists? Thousands of questions and comments filled my head….How do you explain babies? What happens when you die? What’s the point of life? How do you explain the beauty in the sky right this very second? You don’t have God moments every single day? I wanted to ask them. Every single one of them. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my judgement, I couldn’t scare him away from opening up to me for the first time ever. Other than the repeated “wow” as I thought, the one solid phrase I knew was true was that I was so sorry. I didn’t know how to respond to anything, but I knew I was sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t feel like he is loved SO MUCH by God every single day. Sorry that he doesn’t know that God grants even his littlest desires – like the surprise tomatoes in his garden that satisfied the craving he didn’t even know was there. I am sorry that he didn’t have something he could really believe in, someone to comfort him when no one else could. I am sorry that he didn’t think life really had a purpose and that it just seemed so sad.
He feels like his questions don’t have answers that can be explained. He doesn’t think people have souls. He thinks that when you die, the world goes black and it’s all over, there’s no point in anything. You were dead before you were born, and you are dead afterwards. Emotions are just different nerves and chemicals inside of your body and the colors in the sunset are just gases and pollution in the sky. It just sounds like an awful way to view the world, and it’s so hard to try to see his perspective on things.

Everyday is a battle for me. I’m the kind of person who likes to argue until her point is proven, but I know I can’t do that with him. I’m not sure why, but there is a reason this is all happening. I struggle to avoid topics I know will make me upset and I try to not come off as too strong in my faith. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I find myself deep in thought about him and struggle not to cry while thinking about it all. I just wish he could see. I wish he didn’t think that his doubts about some things completely shut him off from everything else.

Occasionally, he goes to church with me on Sundays. He’ll ask questions and really challenge me in my faith. I know that I’m the only really religious person he has in his life right now, but I can only do so much. I never want to force him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I wish that I could at least plant the seed. Sometimes people can’t physically do anything to help others, but I’m slowly learning that prayer is so powerful. This is a constant burden on my heart, but I do know that God is looking out for me.

Prayers are always appreciated.